http://lacieh1980.wordpress.com Just another WordPress.com weblog Mon, 10 Mar 2008 03:46:26 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.com/ http://s2.wp.com/i/buttonw-com.png http://lacieh1980.wordpress.com http://lacieh1980.wordpress.com/2008/03/05/abusive-childhood-interferes-with-adult-life-now/ http://lacieh1980.wordpress.com/2008/03/05/abusive-childhood-interferes-with-adult-life-now/#comments Wed, 05 Mar 2008 08:59:38 +0000 lacieh1980 http://lacieh1980.wordpress.com/?p=3 ]]> Where do I go from here? Have you ever felt the world was coming down on top of you and you had no where to go to hide, to be safe? Your ruined, worthless, hopeless and lost? Childhood was not a pleasurable experience for me, my father was a very hard man to live with. I never understood why he was so angry with everyone all the time. I learned why when I turned 25, I was talking on the phone with my older sister on my dad's side of the family, just listening to her story about why her mother left him, and it all came rushing back at me. The nightmares started again. I didn't want to eat, sleep or even go out anywhere. That's when I sat down and started getting it all out, every single thing I could remember. I even contacted old neighbors, friends and family members on things I would remember just to make sure I was recalling everything correctly and not just losing my sanity. I was raised in a small rural area of 8 people, only my family and a few neighbors in the area. My father was a heavy drinker and by heavy I mean cases a day of beer. He drank one after another from morning to night each and every day non stop. My mother was always trying to keep things as calm as possible for my younger sister and I but it never seemed to play out that way. There was a fight every day, it was something I learned was a fact of life from as early as I can remember. My mom would wake us at 530 am every morning and fix breakfast while we took our morning baths. After breakfast we would walk a mile down the road to my Grandparents farm and do the daily chores of feeding the chickens, collecting the eggs, exercising the horses and cleaning out the stalls. Once we were finished with all that it was time to walk the mile back home to fix lunch and be with our father. We would have our lunch and the fighting would start with in the first hour home. Dad would start screaming about something he did not like to mom, usually the fact we were always gone to my grandparents, saying she did not care what happened to him and how he was so sick and stuff. They'd yell for awhile then it would get physical and my sister and I would hide in a small room off the living room until my mom came and said it was time to go back to Grandmas and Grandpas for afternoon chores. I hated afternoons the worst of all, we would walk back to my grand parents house and my sister who was 2 years younger then me at the time (I believe she was about 4 when my world came apart) I was 6 years old if I am recalling correctly. It was summer time and I was to start school in the spring and was excited about something so new I was getting to do. My sister would be in the house with my mom and grandmother and I had to go help Grandpa with the horses and sheep at the time. We would walk hand in hand to the barn and up until this time we had always brushed down the horses and feed them new hay, alfalfa, and oats. We would then go take care of the rabbits in the rabbit house, which i loved cause of the babies. Grandpa wanted to talk to me about something very important because I was becoming a big girl he told me, I was excited at first being a big girl in his eyes and all made me feel important. We sat on a bale of hay in the barn and grandpa put his arm around me and hugged me close. He told me I was a very pretty girl and when I went to school the boys would chase me all the time. I had no idea what he was talking about but he said that there were things a young girl had to learn to deal with before going to school, so she was ready for it. Nieve, sheltered, and eager to learn I did not know any better. Grandpa told me that it was his job to teach me these things but it had to be our secret until I had learned. He had me agree to keep his secret even though I had no clue what the secret was yet. He told me I had to do exactly as he told me and not ask questions and complain because big girls don't do that and I was a big girl now. I agreed anxiously at that time not knowing what was coming. Grandpa had prepped me well of course, I knew not to argue with the adults, do as your told, that way you didn't get into trouble for bring bad. Or at least you did not get spanked so hard you were not going to sit down for quite awhile anyway. I was a very shy and quite child. Grandpa to me was just as frighting as my father if not more so. I remember my pants being off and laying on a bale of hay. I remember his hands rough, dry, and big. I had never been touched like that before, but he reassured me it was ok to just lay back and grandpa would not hurt me, this is what it felt like to be a big girl he said and big girls they liked it. So I did as I was told. Grandpa was touching me between the legs but at the time I had no clue what was happening. I started to sweat allot and grandpa kept saying that is my good girl just relax and you will like whats next. I remember always breathing weird, really fast, and the feelings were making me squirm allot so grandpa always put his hand on my stomach and held me in place until it was all over. Grandpa would always say he needed me to be a big girl and do him a favor,(I learned to hate those words deeply) Those words brought about fear in me. I always said I did not want to do the that thing again but as usual he would always promised he would never hurt me. He would unzipped his pants next. I had to lay down again and lay still cause Grandpa had to have the same feeling he gave me and he had to rub against me to feel that way. I laid back and he would leaned over the bale of hay holding himself above me making sure he wasn't squashing me as he put it. he spread my little legs and place that thing on me and started going back and forth, he never entered me but he would but his finger inside me and it hurt. I did not like that at all. I felt sick, I wanted my mom but grandpa said we had to clean up and it had to stay a secret, no one could no yet and he would let me know when I could tell. He said if I told before he said I could my baby horse would have to go away. I loved my horse, it was my best friend, I wasn't going to lose that so I was quite and did not tell. This went on for several years until I was 8 years old when things got worse. My dad started taking his anger out physically on me when I'd try to protect my mother, instead of hiding in that small room I would get in the middle and try to make them stop. The belt lashings hurt, but worst was always getting thrown across the room into a wall. I was strong and able to take it at the time. My grandpa on the other hand started wanting me to touch things on him I did not like touching. But I did as I was told to, just like I'd been raised to. Don't argue with the adults they are always right. He was really into using his fingers inside me while he stoked himself to make me cum instead of rubbing me like before. It hurt a lot at times cause he would always put in two fingers right before he started orgasming and would thrust really hard into me when he started orgasming. The pain was unbearable at times and I'd go out into the pasture and hide behind one of the tree's and cry till I could not cry anymore. There was always the feeling of being bruised and sometimes he was rough enough I would bleed for a while. Just being with my horse sometimes made me forget about those things. Horse back riding was my vent in dealing with all the bad things, I could get on my horse and run free, I started learning how to trick ride and barrel race also. At 12 years old I was getting really good at trick riding and had got another horse I named Blaze, he was not as tame as I had been used to, he had a lot of spunk in him. He was not working out for trick riding very well and I had seen some horses that were used as show horses that Blaze seemed to have similar qualities to so I started training him in show instead. My grandpa promised me he was going to get me a different horse for my trick riding so I was excited about that for awhile. When we went to the auction to find my horse he told me that it was time he taught me more about what boys and girls do to make each other happy. We found the perfect horse a female for me for trick riding, I named her trixy because she definitely was a tricky one to get used to. The first time on her training her to do the different stunts was a wild one, she did not like going at my pace and I kept ending up on the ground, so I had to learn to go at her pace instead. Grandpa always watched from outside the fence, I remember hating the way he stared at me all the time. I wanted to jump the fence with my horse and disappear forever. I trained Trixy to do exactly what I wanted her to do and ended up in the state Rodeo that same year. Grandpa was proud of me for making it to the Rodeo, I on the other hand never seemed to be able to get rid of the dread of seeing him, nothing I did made those feelings go away no matter how hard I tried. The day I took 2nd place in stunt riding at the rodeo Grandpa said he had a special surprise for me for winning and it was in the garage. Well I was excited, I was not used to getting much of anything, bot for my birthday, Christmas or any other time for that matter, but I ran out to the garage to see what it was, He'd never done anything in the garage to me so it was a safe place, Thank god he had not said the barn. I was looking and not finding anything and Grandpa said it is in the cellar, so down the steps I flew. I hated the cellar, it was dark and damp and smelled funny to. I heard Grandpa shut the door and lock it above us and at that moment I just wanted to sink into the ground, I knew he was coming for me and I knew he wanted to put his fingers where I did not want them and he was going to make those awful sounds again because of it. I wanted to cry but knew better, if I cried then I would be punished and punished meant it would hurt and I would bleed like last time, so I bit down as hard as I could on my lip as Grandpa reached out and pulled me to him, he leaned down and kissed my lips and then pushed his gross tongue in my mouth making me almost vomit. He rubbed me and fondled my chest for a few minutes and then told me to take off my pants. I said no I really don't want to do this anymore, but that did not help Grandpa lifted me up placed me on a small mattress that was down there in case there was ever a disaster like a Tornado or something, and took them off me anyway. At first it was the same old same old stuff as usual, he would rub me and put his fingers in me until I started to squirm around, then he;d make me touch him exactly like he wanted it done, back and forth up and down slower, faster until he said stop. He told me to stop and I did, but he did not stop rubbing me and putting his fingers inside me like usual, instead he kept going and told me we were going to do something different today as a reward for my winning 2nd place. I felt so sick thinking to myself what else could he possibly do that was any worse then this? I think this is where I decided I was never going to win anything again. It just was not worth it, not now, not ever. After making my body violently shook beneath him he spread my legs farther apart. Grandpa said “ Instead of rubbing myself on you baby I'm going to put it inside you, it's going to hurt a little but that will pass. Well it can't hurt any worse then his fingers do right. God was I ever so wrong! As he began to insert into me, it at first was like pressure him just pushing against the outside of me, but then all of a sudden it stung, and it stung very bad, I tried getting away pushing at him trying to slide away to the side anything to stop the pain. I was crying now even biting my lip and tasting my own blood wasn't helping. I couldn't even hear what he was saying anymore, I didn't want to hear. I wanted to go away, far far away and be by myself with no one else around me ever. My stomach hurt so bad. I was burning below like I was on fire. I told him it really really hurt and begged him to please stop. He did not stop instead he started moving and that made the pain even worse. I cried out louder then ever because it hurt and he placed his hand over my mouth to silence me. I remember that first time like no other, the way he pushed inside me and the growling sound he made with every push. He was sweating and I could feel it dripping on me. I hated it, I hated it more then anything. More then my father beating me, more then the fighting every day. I hated it more then I hated myself at that very moment. I'd seen all the girls in school none of them seemed like they were unhappy, none of them ever had to sit down carefully because it hurt so bad. I could not figure out why it was so bad for me, if everyone learned this stuff then why weren't they in pain, why were they laughing and having fun when all I wanted to do was disappear. I didn't want to be around anyone. I just want to be left alone. I asked my mom if I could join track and field at school and she said yes. Thank god it would keep me away from grandpa during the weekdays anyway cause it was after school from 3:30 pm to 5:00pm every day. Track was fun I got to run, jump hurdles and do the high jump. I was good at doing the high jump. I joined the marching band the following year, another way to stay away from Grandpa as much as possible. I made my mom and sister come watch me everyday just so I could make sure he wasn't doing to my little sister what he had done to me. My way of protecting her. But you can only find so many excuses to stay away and they never last long enough. I knew I would have to face him every once in a while. We were driving into town with grandpa's neighbor Doug on a Saturday Mom was sick so he had to take me to my band lesson. Doug was going along because he wanted to go to the store while I was at my lesson and grandpa offered to take him along. I was grateful thinking at least this way Grandpa would keep his hands to himself. Well as usual I should not of expected it to be that easy. Grandpa dropped me at band and took off, but when he came back Doug wasn't with him. I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach, and it started hurting again. So I told grandpa I was sick, I said my stomach hurts really bad, hoping he would not want to do anything because I was sick. Did not work out that way. He parked behind the bar in town. Doug had wanted to stop and get a drink, he leaned over and put his hand in my pants and said he had missed me a lot lately. Him and Grandma were fighting a lot because he wasn't getting what he needed from me. I felt bad that it was my fault for them fighting, I loved Grandma very much, she was really nice to me. I did not want her to be mad at me to. He kept fondling me then he took out his and made me rub it until he was satisfied. Then Doug climbed in. Grandpa's zipper was still open and I just looked at the floor of the truck and did not say a thing. I just wanted to go home and forget about it all. I know Doug saw what was going on. It was my 13th birthday in a few days and I was running the mile from my house to the river for conditioning for track. One of my neighbors was driving down the road and pulled over down by the bridge, I thought he was probably going fishing or to check on his precious pot field that everyone around knew about. But he stayed in the truck and when I approached asked if I was having fun today. I replied with not really, just doing my daily run for track is all. I got to get back home so Dad doesn't get mad and yell at me if I take to long. He told me my dad would not yell I'd be home in plenty of time but he needed to ask me a few questions about me and my Grandpa. I told him that there was nothing I could tell him about me and my grandpa. I think he could see I was uncomfortable so he told me he would stay in the truck and I could stand as far away as I wanted to and we would talk like that. I felt a little safer that way at least I wasn't trapped being to close to him anyway. He asked me if I liked the things my grandpa was doing to me. I replied back with I don't know what your talking about. So he told me that Doug had told him about the day behind the bar and that when he came out to get in the truck he had seen my grandpa's pants were unzipped and knew something was going on. I repeated exactly what grandpa had told me to say if anyone asked, I do not know what your talking about. He shook his head and said to me “ I was not born yesterday, And between you and me there are a few people in this small country town that knows there is more going on then that. Your always avoiding males and you never look at any one when you talk to them, if we get to close to you, you start shaking and back away. So do you want to try to tell me another story before I have to drive you up that hill so you are home in time. I said No, I can run really fast, and I'm good at running, I'll make it home fine on time. He told me that he was gonna talk to my mom then if I would not tell him what was going on. That scared me grandpa said I could not tell anyone until he said I could. He would take away my animals, he would hurt grandma and my sister and mom, everything and everyone I cared about would get hurt and I blurted it straight out at him without meaning to. He told me no one was gonna hurt and he would make sure of it. He told me to get in he'd drive me to the top of the hill and that I'd better run fast for home or I was gonna be late and to meet him later that night after everyone went to bed and he would tell me what to do to make it all stop. I was not sure if I really trusted him, he was a guy after all, and I did not like the things they wanted girls to do. He promised me he would not touch me in any way, he even said he would bring his wife along if that made me more comfortable, so I said yes to him bringing his wife and got the ride up the hill to get home. He dropped me out of view at the top of the hill and told me to kick it into high gear, I was gonna be late. I ran as fast as I could for those last 4 blocks to my house praying I wasn't late. But as soon as I flew through the door I knew I'd been to long and he was pissed. He asked me where I'd been and I told him I ran to the river bridge like always but I got a really bad cramp in my side and had to walk a little to get it out before running again. As fast as lighting his hand struck me upside the head so fast I did not even have time to duck out of the way I just flew sideways into the wall. He grabbed my hair and called me a liar and asked me again where I'd been. I repeated the same thing and my head got shoved right into the wall, I felt the wall give and my head felt as though it was really light then it all went black. When I woke up I could hear my mom yelling and things breaking, I scrambled to get up I had to help her, he would hurt her again, I stumbled and fell, tried again and got it right I was standing but everything was spinning around and around and I threw up right there. That sound brought my mom running in from the other room with Dad hot on her tail. He started yelling at me again telling me I was cleaning that up right now. I stood tall, I was not gonna back down this time, I felt hot all over, I was shaking, I was mad, and I hurt like hell, Not a good combination to feel for a 12 year old, I lashed back at him, and when he smacked me in the mouth I smacked him back and stood there staring him straight in the eyes as the look of shock wore of his face and a deeper anger appeared instead. Mom told me to run, but no, I was done running, I was tired of it all, the fighting, the pain, the hurt, everything. I did not care at that moment what he did to me, I just wanted to make him hurt like he made me hurt. As he barreled toward me I grabbed the scales sitting on the floor and swung with all my might right into his face. I'd never seen blood shoot out like that so my shock was just as shocking as his at what I'd done. My mom yanked the scales away and told me to go to the neighbors and call for help. I walked to the neighbors and told them my dad was bleeding and needed help. The neighbors wife told me to have a seat while she sent her husband over to see what was going on. She went into the bathroom and came out with a wash clothe and started wiping my face and hands off. I was bloody and did not even know it. She told me not to say a word when the police got there. She went and got me a tee shirt out of her sons room and told me to put it on and give her mine she had to get rid of it fast. I did as I was told. Funny thing how my moms friend, our neighbor seemed to understand what was going on. The police showed up and started asking questions, I did not utter one word I sat in silence staring at my hands with my mom and the neighbor trying to tell them I did not see my mom and dad fighting so I didn't know anything. The officer finally gave up but said he would see me again another day. Mom told me I had done a very brave thing but to never do that again because I would get in trouble. I told her I did not care if I got in trouble because I wasn't gonna let him hurt her any more and I cried. Mom cried to and the neighbor told mom she had to do something to stop this before my dad did something bad to us that couldn't be reversed. Mom said everything would be ok, not to worry. I went home with mom and dad just glared at me he had a big bandage on his head, I actually felt pretty good for once. Maybe now he'd leave mom and me alone. My sister of course was his little angel, she never did anything to make him mad, she was perfect in his eyes. I was the screw up, I was stupid, I'd never amount to crap as he put it. Grandpa came banging on the door about a hour after we got home, he wanted to know what the police had been doing here. Dad and him got in a yelling match, that lead to pushing and shoving and then dad stormed into the bedroom, grabbed his hand gun and came back out, he aimed it at my grandpa and told him to get out and stay the heck away form his house or he's put a bullet right between his eyes. Grandpa left thank god and no one got hurt that night. Dad went and got the holster out of the bedroom and strapped it to the table leg under the table and from that day forward the gun was aimed directly at the door from under the table, guess who always sat in front of the door at breakfast and super time. Me of course and he loved the fact that he could rub it in my face every day that I best hope no one comes through that door that ain't supposed to he'd say. My mom would get so mad she would have to leave the room. I was very careful and scared to death of getting caught sneaking out late that night to meet Mike and his wife just so he wouldn't say anything to anyone. I got down to the river as fast as I could and he was there with his wife as promised. She told me to hop in we would ride around close to the house in case anyone got up. She said not to worry they had pried the screen off the bedroom window and would lift me up to climb in if the lights came on. That made me a little more scared of getting caught. Mike's wife did most of the talking because I was more comfortable with her, she was very nice to me, smiled a lot at me but kept pounding out the questions on what was going on with my grandfather. I told her some of the things he had done, like the touching me between the legs and making me touch him to, but I did not tell her about the rest. They seemed to be satisfied with my response. She told me I needed to tell my teacher at school and that they would be able to help make it stop. I told her I did not want to talk to my teacher he was a guy, and she told me that not all men were sick like my grandfather. I asked her what made her think Grandpa was sick and she said that anyone who would do the things he had been doing to a child was sick, really, really sick she said. I felt a little sad in a way, about what he had been doing because now I knew he was sick and if I told my teacher then they could find a doctor to make him well again and he would never do those things to me again. The doctor made me better when I was sick so they could fix him to, anyway that's how I was seeing it at the time. I got on the school bus the very next morning, it was a long ride to school with lots of thinking time, I did not know how to tell my teacher my Grandpa needed a doctor's help because he was sick. I did not really trust my teacher.I had began to trust my band instructor, even though he was male he never ever made me feel threatened in any way. So during my band lesson on this particular day I told him everything. He apparently did not know what to say, so he said we needed to go talk to the principal in the office about this. I said I did not want to because I'd get in trouble and he assured me I would not because I'd done nothing wrong. The principal was a really nice lady, she did not really know me very well except from the Rodeo, because I'd never been in any trouble. I explained everything to her and she said she knew exactly who to call and that everything would be alright. In about 30 minutes a uniformed officer showed up, I recognized him immediately as one of them who had been out at my house when I had hit my dad. He told me we were going to go for a ride to his office where a lady was waiting that would take care of me from there. I refused to get in the vehicle with him. He was a Male and I knew where it would lead, So the principal offered to give me a ride to the station instead, that I accepted. She walked me into the station and told me everything would be ok. I was scared, all these people were staring at me. The officer approached me with a older lady who introduced herself to me and said she worked for the state. She needed me to tell her the story I had told the others while she taped it. So for 2 hours I told my story again to her. She asked a lot of questions during that time. She said she was going to take me to a place that would be safe until we sorted all this out, she said she had to talk to my mom and dad. I freaked out because Grandpa would hurt everyone cause I told. She told me no one would get hurt, she would make sure of it. I was placed with a family who had several other kids there to, it was out in a rural area where no one would find me. They were very strict, we had chores and lots of rules to follow. I was there for a few days before the lady from the State came and got me, she said that everything was ok now and she was taking me home. I missed my mom and sister a lot so I was happy to get to go home. She drove me home and my mom was very happy to see me, she was crying and it made me sad to see her cry. Her and the lady talked for awhile and I went inside to see my sister, my dad was sitting at the table as usual and he gave me a look that made my skin crawl, and if there was ever truth to the term eyes like daggers, his met that quote. Mom and I went out to work in the garden after she was finished with the lady from the State, Mom explained to me that the Lady had came out with the Sheriff and investigated my story against Dad and Grandpa. Mom said that Dad had told her I was a highly imaginative child and that since I had started school this year I was getting worse and he thought it was the people I hung with at school. I told mom I did not hang with anyone at school, the only person I ever talked to was Jaycee, the girl down the street and she was a couple years younger then me, but we were best friends. Mom said that it did not matter because the Lady and the Sheriff determined that everything was safe for me to come home. She said that they had cleared Grandpa from any wrong doing also. Then she asked me if what I had told was the truth or if I made it up because I was mad at Dad and Grandpa. That question hurt me in ways I'd never been hurt before, my mom was questioning if I was telling the truth, and I had never lied to her, dad, or anyone for that matter. She cried a bit and told me that they spoke to my sister and Grandpa had never touched her in those ways so they had a problem believing that he had done those things to me. My mom said Mike and his wife had stopped her that morning on her way to Grandmas and Grandpas and told her that several people in town knew what Grandpa had been doing to me, he told her that his wife was the one who told me to tell my teacher a while back about it, and he told her she needed to asked Doug about the day in town when he saw Grandpa zipping his pants back up in the truck. Mom said her and I were going to go talk to Doug after we finished the Gardening. I was fine by this, I had told the truth and this was where the truth got me. We went later on and spoke to Doug and he told mom what he had seen that day, and told her my explanation of it also, mom looked at me and asked me if I was telling the truth now then why did I lie about it when Doug had told mike about it. I explained to her what Grandpa had said about my horses, about my sister and Grandma, and about her, all the bad things that would happen if I told. Mom just shook her head and we walked back home. Mom and dad did not argue that night it was really quite, no one really spoke much about any of it that whole week. I went back to school and had several days worth of work to catch up on, other kids asked where I was but I did not tell them what had happened. During my band lesson the band teacher asked me if things were any better at home, and I told him they were fine thank you. He said he wished there was something he could do to erase the pain that had been caused. I told him that the pain would never go away because not even my mother believed me, he told me that he believed me because there was no way a quite child like me could possibly make up all those things that had happened. It still did not make me feel any better. It wasn't long before rumors surfaced in that small town school and the name calling and teasing began. One night after school mom had to take my sister into town to sign up for a sports program and left me at home alone with dad. Dad waited till she was gone and told me to come in the kitchen and sit down, he asked me if what I'd said about Grandpa was true and I told him yes it was. He said that I was not going down there any more, I begged him to let me because of my horses but he refused and told me to go to my room and stay there. I did as I was told. I heard him leave the house which was not common, he never went anywhere, but I stayed in my room. I had to go pee so I went out to go to the bathroom dad was still gone, I looked out the living room window to see him and my grandpa talking and my neighbor in between them telling grandpa to leave. I thought it strange my father sticking up for me, he hated me, always had, so why was he yelling at grandpa. Grandpa left, I went back in my room and dad came back in the house. When mom got home the fighting started, dad was yelling that everything was her fault, him being sick, me being a liar and a whore, how his life was miserable all because of us. I put my hands over my ears and wished it all away but that did not work. I finally got up and went out to the living room, dad was standing over mom, mom's mouth was bleeding and I was angrier then I had ever been in all my years. I went after my dad jumping on him from behind and yelling at him to leave her alone. He somehow tossed me off and I landed in a pile on the floor where he kicked me a few times. Mom finally got him to go sit in the kitchen and told me to go get ready for bed. The next day I went to school and put up with all the teasing again. While walking from one building to the next one boy kept picking at me calling me names and then he hit me with his back back, I turned around and punched him right in the face and he started bleeding. I felt better even though all eyes were on me I did not back down instead I looked at them and asked if anyone else wanted to say anything, No one did and I proceeded on to my next class where I ended up sent to the principals office for punching the boy. Mom got called and I had to go home for the day, she was upset but dad was even madder when I got home. I was a bad child, trouble in the worst way as he put it. I was 15 mom had started teaching me to drive the truck. I already knew how to drive the tractors and work all the hay bailing equipment, so driving wasn't so hard to learn. Dad was getting sicker mom said he had cancer from chewing so many years and his liver was destroyed by all the drinking, We were all trying really hard to take care of him and make him happy, but nothing ever worked out that way anyway. Mom had to go get my sister from town that evening after school sports were over, I stayed home I never felt well lately, just wanted to hide from the world. Dad called me out of my room shortly after mom left, he told me he was very sick and could not take the pain anymore, he took the gun from under the kitchen table and showed me how to fire it, he said there was only the 2 of us here now, we both hurt like hell, one of us will learn to heal and one of us never will heal. He asked if I understood and I shook my head yes to him, he smiled at me and said he loved me. I was surprised, Dad never had said he loved me before. He placed the big gun in my small hands and said, " I cannot do this myself, I have tried several times, I want the pain to end and I need you to do it. I shook my head no and laid the gun back on the table and said I can't dad. He yelled at me about if I could lie about everything to people and go around punching boys in the face then I could pull the trigger on that damn gun. I could do it if I really loved him. I told him I did love him but I could not do it. I told him I never lied about anything that had happened and how I hated him for not believing me, I asked him why he hated me so much. He stared at me and said you were always the difficult one, your sister would do this if I asked her without questioning me. I shook my head and kept saying no I can't do it. I felt it was wrong, I knew inside it was wrong, I hated seeing him hurt so much but still I could not do as he asked me. My stomach was hurting really bad again, the doctors could not find anything wrong with me so I dealt with it daily. Dad picked the gun up from the table and put it in my hands again, he said " Your smart enough to understand this, we both hurt, you choose who should be put out of their misery and you put that gun to their head and you pull the fucking trigger, understand!" I looked at the gun, it was cocked ready to fire, I thought about all the things up until this day, good and bad. I could not remember any good from my dad. I asked him why he played baseball with my sister and not me? He said because your not the sporty type. I did not understand this. He told me " Choose and put the gun to one of us and end this all now. I felt that he was saying I was the cause of everyone's pain, my choice was me, if it was me and I had been causing Dads pain and everyone else's then if I were gone everyone would be happy. I mean seriously something had to be wrong with me, no one believed me about what had happened, and no one would believe this either, I did not really care to have to tell this story. I lifted the gun up, it was heavy, I was crying, I put it to my head, closed my eyes and started pulling the trigger, Dad grabbed my hand and ripped the gun away so quickly it went off and I landed on the ground, my hand hurt but I did not know why. The bullet had went into the ceiling in the kitchen. Dad was furious with me, calling me stupid little brat, he said all I ever thought about was myself and no one else. He put the gun to his head and he pulled the trigger himself. I watched as he started falling to the floor. There was blood and whitish colored stuff all over the wall, all over me, the smell made me vomit. Dad was missing the right side of his head, it was gone. His eyes were wide open staring at nothing. My neighbor across the street came rushing in, he took one look and said, come on we have to get you out of here, I could not speak or move, I was stuck right there in that moment. My neighbor must of carried me outside that day. I seen everyone talking to me, but did not hear a word they said. My mom spoke to me but I did not hear her either. I had nightmares every time I closed my eyes, if it wasn't Grandpa doing awful things then it was my dad falling to the floor. I'd wake up shaking and screaming and trying so hard to find a way out of that pitiful darkness. They put me in a hospital for a long time, a month I believe. I ran away one night, I was running from everyone, Grandpa, Dad, the kids in school. The police found me and took me back to the hospital where I finally started talking to them and doing as I was told, mom came and visited me daily, Said we were moving in with my uncle, Grandpa had tried doing the same things to Liz as he had done to me and Grandma left him and was living with my uncle to. Liz was my oldest sisters step daughter. My older sister and I never got along even though when everything finally came out into the open Grandpa had done the same things to her as he did to me. My mom felt really bad for not believing me, The cop on the other hand said he was truly sorry for not listening to me but I did not feel he meant a word of it. Everyone pretended to understand, but not a single one of them did. I hated the I'm so sorry stuff, it always felt like they said it to have something to say because they did not know what else to say. Sorry did not matter anymore to me anyway, in my mind what was done was done. I was placed in therapy for 2 years as a ward of the State they called it. At 17 I got out of that so called situation and went to live with my mom at my uncles. Everything was different there, there was no yelling or fighting, no one touching me. My sister was going to school in this big city but I did not want to go, it was different then the small town school of 200, my lord there was thousands of kids here. Mom would drop me off at school and I would leave and walk up town. Mom would find me and take me home, she said that I needed to go to church and that the missionaries were coming over that afternoon to talk to me. I did not really care, they came talked about God and stuff I did not understand. We started going to church every Sunday. They told us not to drink, not to have sex until married, and allot of other do's not dont's. I met my first real boyfriend at church. Of course he knew my life story, everyone did it seemed. But he was nice, took me out to the movies, we would cruise around town on Friday night and then go park at lovers lane and make out till he had to have me home. I did not mind making out with him, it was not like before, it didn't hurt and it sometimes gave me the feeling of being needed and wanted. We never had sex, we only played around touching, I was not ready to go any farther but he sure was. He would drive me over to the small town I came from to visit my friend Jaycee every weekend. One weekend and we were all three in the car, her in the back seat me in the passenger seat and my boyfriend driving. We were going into town which was about 10 miles from where I used to live to get some soda's and stuff like usual. Jaycee touched my boyfriends should and said to him "you need to tell her now." I looked at him and said tell me what? He stopped the car and said this is not easy because I really do care for you a lot. And I don't ever want to hurt you, you have been through enough hurt in your life. He kept talking and Jaycee started getting upset telling him to just tell me for god's sake and get it over with. When he kept talking without telling me, Jaycee took my hand and told me that while I was not able to give him sex she had. They had been doing it every weekend after he dropped me off and brought her back home. She told me she loved me so so much and did not want to lose me as a friend. I kissed Jaycee on the lips like I 'd done several times before, only this was goodbye. My stomach hurt, I felt hot inside, and sick all over. I got out of the car and started walking to town, they both pleaded with me to get in they would drive me the 30 miles to my uncles and I refused. Finally they left and went on to town, David said he would stop and have one of the officers in town come pick me up. Not likely was that gonna happen, instead of staying on that road I walked off on a dirt road and into the woods. I'd find my own way home and in my own time. I walked well into the night that night. I did not really think about anyone or anything, I was just lost in my own hurt at the time. I got tired at one point so I curled up in a corn field and fell asleep. I was woke up by a local cop and it was daylight out, The owner of the farm had found me sleeping when he was out walking his dog and called them. They took me to the station and picked me up, my mom came and got me. She knew what had happened because Jaycee and my so called boyfriend had went and told her, she spent all night along with them and several others looking for me, fearing the worst had happened. I told mom that I would never do the awful thing dad had done, I was just really hurt and needed time to think. That was my first experience with a boyfriend, not one I cared to repeat. I found a job that summer at a place I took my car for service, the guy was really nice to me, I was smart and had fixed his computer several times while waiting on my car. So when he asked if I wanted a job I took it. $8.00 an hour was a lot at that time so I was doing well for myself. I meet the father of my children here, dated him for 8 years, never married him either thank god. He was abusive, worse then my father, Cops were at my home weekly because if it. There was a older cop named Marty who took a father role to me, he told me that I had to get up enough strength and courage to leave John before one of these days he showed up only to find my body there dead instead of me bleeding and bruised. Another cop who I thought was totally hot at the time tried telling me the same thing, but listening was not my strong point at the time, I had to see it to believe it. when my children were 2 and 1 years of age I left him one night after we had a huge fight to where he had a knife in my side and my oldest of only 2 years walked in. When he passed out I was gone forever. I did not take anything but a few articles of my and the children's clothing. I stopped and told my mom I was leaving for a couple weeks and why, she understood and told me to call her daily so she knew we were ok. I called my boss and told him I'd be gone for a couple days, he was fine with that and took care of the business while I was gone he said. I was with a different employer at this time. I had learned to help people build there businesses for them. It was profitable and I enjoyed it. I met my first husband at this employer. He was a lot older then me and I had no intention of marrying him, but I got pregnant and decided I should at least settle down for the children's sake. So much for settling down, The oldest two children's father kept pursuing me, My babies father stalked me everywhere I went. He would stand at work with me, follow me home, never was I alone. I finally left him and got a divorce. But both of them kept pursuing me daily, I heard how they loved me, could not live without me, How I was so perfect that they did not realize at the time what they had, blah blah blah. What the heck was so perfect about me! Aha!! that's right, to them I was, I was the one who took care of everything and all they had to do was lay around and do nothing, I guess their world was perfect huh. I decided to move several thousand miles away just to escape both of those guys, I needed to live my own life, start over. I changed my name and everything about me. The only one who even knew who I really was and where I was, was my mom and younger sister. She was not pleased about my choice but dealt with it anyway. I still go by my assumed new name, I let the children's father talk to them and see them whenever they want, I decided right from the beginning I would never make the decisions for my children when it came to their father's. I had dealt with enough but I was not going to ruin their lives because of it. The oldest two's father at first only talked on the phone to them, until I sent him enough money one summer to come get them for a month so they could visit with there family. I met him half way between my home and his, about 600 miles to be exact. After a month I drove south, all the way to get them, I needed to see my family to and even if it meant dealing with my youngest daughter's father so be it. He had the number to call her and never did. I even made sure he had visitation rights when we got divorced but he never even tried. Going there was a 2 day nightmare, I loved seeing my mom and my family again, but when Gary showed up I'd wished I stayed away. He started the pleading and begging me to come back home, give him another chance so he could raise his daughter and we would be the perfect little family. I explained to him there was always a place in my heart for him but there would never be a place in my life for him. Not the answer he was wanting to hear and I ended up leaving earlier then I had planned just to get the heck away from both of those guys again. After getting back to where I lived with the children, Gary did not stop pursuing me, I took the harassment as long as I could and then when he called one night and said I know where you are and I'm coming to get you I filed a restraining order on him. I moved along with my new husband to a different town, still in the same area but Gary would not find me here. I married to be safe and felt I was in love. What is love? Childhood, life experiences, they follow you through life like baggage and until you open your eyes you make the same mistakes over and over again, maybe not as bad of mistakes, but you still put your self in the same predicaments. Only some things are different, so it takes time for you to realize the path you are following. The triggers to my nightmares are several different things, lack of sleep, over exhaustion, stress, or even a simple happening during the day or night that triggers one of those awful moments in my life. And that awful word FEAR! Now I am married for 8 years going on 9, and still my past haunts me, I've made the same mistakes as usual, still following the same path I started with, I am no where near perfect, but now I live with always fearing I'll upset my husbund, make him angry because I forgot to do something he told me to do, or I took to long at the store, the fear he will decide to take my life, and what would happen to my children. You come to recognize your fears but you just don't know what to do with them so you try your damnedest to make sure everything is perfect, you demand yourself to be better and do better so they don't get mad. It is how you are protecting yourself again, it comes from your past and is living right here and now within you. Your walls are protecting your feelings, if you do not feel anything it cannot hurt you. You can't love, you can't enjoy sex, you can't go out with your friends cause you might have the feeling of enjoyment from that. You isolate not only your feelings but also yourself as a whole! I've learned to feel good about myself, and I did that by myself, by being just me, I love doing different things, helping people, and battling new struggles just to over come them. And hearing and seeing new things. I do all those things daily, My primary job demands me being in charge and getting things done, my family depends on me being strong and over coming the every day challenges that pop up unexpectedly, and On my secondary job I get to just drive around and have me time to think. You have to push forward everyday even if your in fear you cannot stop living, I'm not going to stop living because of fear, I'm going to keep right on doing what I am doing each and every day. And on those really terrible days I know I can over come them to now instead of running and hiding all alone, I just pick up the phone and call a friend who's voice on the other end helps to spiral them away. My life is not so bad, I over came some of my child hood, I over came a lot of the negative past, and I'm still here, still alive, still learning new things everyday. I just have to learn to deal with the nightmares when they come, and learn how to be strong and be my own person. I hope you have enjoyed reading this, I'd love to hear your comments about my story and any and all advise on the topic you would like to give.
]]> http://lacieh1980.wordpress.com/2008/03/05/abusive-childhood-interferes-with-adult-life-now/feed/ 0 lacieh1980 http://lacieh1980.wordpress.com/2008/03/05/hello-world/ http://lacieh1980.wordpress.com/2008/03/05/hello-world/#comments Wed, 05 Mar 2008 08:33:38 +0000 lacieh1980 ]]> Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!

]]> http://lacieh1980.wordpress.com/2008/03/05/hello-world/feed/ 1 lacieh1980